Fear as Friend and Foe

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The subject of fear comes up often in psychotherapy sessions and manifests in a range of behaviors from complete paralysis to counterphobic reactions (diving into an activity that causes terror as a way to manage anxiety). Fear can be your friend when the fear of a particular outcome becomes a motivating factor. For example, imagining the fear of failure helps some people perform better than they imagined.  This also comes at a cost when we use guilt, shame and fear as a way to launch ourselves towards a goal. Losing weight for a partner who thinks you are too big isn’t likely to help you in the long run; this is a set up for relapse, potential negative health consequences, resentment and poor self-esteem. Don’t be quick to use fear as a motivating factor; it’s best to stay focused on what you want from your life.

Identifying your fears is incredibly liberating.  The act of naming something takes away its power. I’m afraid of this or that helps remove the shame, somewhat. So what exactly do we fear most?

Fear of Embarrassment and Shame

We all fear looking silly or doing or saying something that leaves us feeling exposed.  Public speaking is a great example of an activity that many of us fear.  As children, we quickly learn that not all of our actions are applauded, which left us feeling stupid or embarrassed instead of unique or creative.  How can you “self talk” your way out of fearing embarrassment?

• Remember that it’s courageous to speak your mind and have an opinion — even if others may not agree.
• Is your question really that dumb? Someone else is probably wondering the same thing.
• What’s the worst thing that can happen? You say something silly and that makes you human. You can use that as an opportunity to break the ice, laugh and forgive yourself which gives others a chance to warm up to you.  You may very well give someone else permission to be less than perfect.

Fear of Rejection

We all have a deep need to be liked, accepted and loved. Rejection is a part of life and growth — you can’t be liked and loved by everyone.  Furthermore, it’s exhausting trying to win the approval of the masses.  So how can you reframe rejection so it’s not a tragic event?

• Remember that rejection hurts but out of it there is almost always a great opportunity for personal growth.  It’s just one more experience that can enrich our lives.
• Don’t get caught in the web that is the stuff of others.  Remember that people have their own experiences and reasons for treating us a certain way.  Their behavior may have nothing to do with us. Rather, it’s their stuff — so don’t take it on!

Fear of Failure

Fear of failure, for many,  may mean that you are not “good enough” and therefore you won’t be loved.  How can you conquer this fear?

• Become comfortable with “good enough” which may sound perfectly awful to many, but is a realistic and compassionate goal. Sometimes you’ll be able to meet your “ideal” but often not.  Learn to embrace the concept of “good enough” even when something didn’t turn out exactly as you planned.
• Become aware of the pressures of others (and yourself) to sustain some unrealistic level of success.
• Know that when you avoid failure you’re often avoiding experiences.  It may feel protective to avoid finishing a project, thereby avoiding all the possible outcomes, but ultimately not a great way to live your life.
• Remember that all successful people have experienced failures, no matter how they define them.  Using a failed venture can give you important lessons about how to discover improvements for the future.

Fear of Success

This is my personal favorite and the one that leaves everyone scratching their heads.  Huh, why would I be afraid of achieving something? When you achieve, have success, thrive, you stand out.  This can, for many, feel isolating and lonely.  For some, it evokes feelings of abandoning others.  Who have they left behind, while moving ahead? This may mean achieving more than a sibling or parent which can create anxiety. You may not be aware that you play down your assets in an effort to avoid the jealously and envy of others. Marianne Williamson gave us this beautiful quote “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you…” She goes on to say that we actually give others permission to shine when we don’t hold ourselves back.  So how can you become more comfortable with your own achievements?

• Remind yourself that you are really worth it now even if events in your past made you feel otherwise.
• Understand how holding yourself back causes you harm, which triggers a nasty cycle of regret and self-hatred.
• Notice how it’s more fun to shine the way for others.
• Understand that the skills that help you handle success will come with time especially as you have more positive experiences.

Exposure, which is doing that which causes fear and moving out of the comfort zone, really does help us conquer our fears. Testing reality is also helpful.  As you allow yourself to have more positive experiences you realize that: you’re not the failure you imagined; others will survive your successes, and maybe feel inspired by them; you won’t be rejected by the masses; and you won’t lose the love and affection of others. If others can’t tolerate your blossoming self, that’s sad, but you have an obligation to yourself to grow and shine.