Newly Single After Divorce or Separation

If you are in the process of going through a divorce or are recently divorced or separated,  you are experiencing a time in your life filled with transition and uncertainty. This can be a stressful and daunting time, but you are not alone. Thousands of couples file for divorce on a daily basis and information and support is available covering every aspect of the emotional, logistical, and legal aspects of divorce and it’s aftermath.

Healing from Divorce or Separation:

Many men and women seem to heal quickly from the awful wounds that divorce can inflict. Others spend a lifetime reliving the pain, and bring unhealed hearts to new relationships and situations. Recovering from your divorce is a process that cannot be rushed and is different for everyone. It will take significant time to go through all the emotions you may be feeling – sadness, failure, guilt, rage, elation, freedom, and fear. Your progress can be slowed or come to a halt if you do not allow yourself to feel these feelings, process and validate them. Moving through these stages allows you to build the right foundation for recovery.

Here are some coping strategies to help you during this difficult time:

  • Healing takes time – respect your own process. Remember, the healing process takes time and cannot be rushed. Get comfortable, at least temporarily, and learn to tolerate your discomfort.
  • Find comforting activities for the moments and days when you are feeling sad - Tell yourself that you will feel better at some point in the future. But until then, discover activities that give you comfort. Have you considered a yoga class, a hot bath, a massage, getting into bed with a book or movie? Accept your sadness and show yourself some kindness.
  • Build a strong support team - Research shows that people heal from trauma faster and better when they have support from family and friends. Ask for help. People often don't want to intrude and don't always know how to respond. There is no reason to go through separation or divorce alone.
  • Consider joining a support group - If your spouse cheated or had other serious problems such as addictions, you may benefit from group support. Such behaviors can be devastating to your spirit. Seek closure whenever possible directly from your ex.  Apologies and acknowledgment about the pain these behaviors caused can be helpful in your healing process. People need to take responsibility for their actions. 
  • Develop resources for daily encouragement and inspiration - Spend some time daily trying to think positively. This inspiration can come from books, friends and religion. Learn about another individual who faced adversity and beat it.
  • Get and stay physically healthy through healthy diet habits and exercise - It’s critical at this stressful time in your life that you develop self-care routines. Exercise is crucial. Join a gym, play sports, take yoga classes. Eat beautiful and healthy, fresh foods. Splurge for a massage or acupuncture treatment. Learn about meditation and practice deep breathing daily. Invest in CD that can guide you in this process.
  • Take responsibility and educate yourself about why your marriage or relationship ended - Moving on will be difficult if you do not create and work through your own narrative, and this is best done with a trained therapist. It’s important to understand in practical and psychological terms why your relationship ended, and your individual roles in this breakdown. This will expedite the healing process and help you to be healthier in a new relationship.
  • There is life after this marriage or separation - Believe it or not, one day this pain will be behind you. Try to stay focused and positive, respect your process and take care of yourself.

Meeting the Right Partner or staying happily single

Many individuals are perfectly content not having a serious relationship and enjoy the freedom to do as they please.  Clients often tell me that they are frustrated that they have not yet met the right partner, and wonder why. They want to be in a relationship and are discouraged that it’s not happening for them. I’ve found that navigating the world of dating and relationships today takes equal measures of guts, saavy, patience, and optimism. A lot of energy is spent putting on the best face when two people meet for the first time – yet frequently psychological barriers keep them from achieving the objective they so often desire. 

If you would like to be in a relationship again and need some support let’s work together to:

• Set realistic goals - define what you are looking for in a relationship, and work to figure out what is getting in the way of achieving it?

• Let’s review your past relationships – what has worked and what hasn’t? Is there something that is holding you back from having a healthy relationship? Do you know the kind of person you don't want to have a relationship with? Let’s make an honest appraisal of the past and make sure it’s not impacting your present and future.

• Create a dating plan that suits your level of comfort and commitment - You have so many choices available now. Let’s create a plan that will work for you.

• Learn how to be yourself. It’s always best to be your true self when starting a new relationship. If you've lived falsely in previous relationships, you may not know what this means. You need to figure out who you are outside of a relationship, what makes you happy and not lose yourself when you become coupled again. I will give you tools to overcome shyness, fear of intimacy, and other potential stumbling blocks that may be inhibiting you from moving forward and getting what you want in your new relationship. 

• A little patience can go a long way - Finding the right relationship takes time. Many people settle because they cannot tolerate being alone or they make choices they latter regret. They repeat old patterns or find comfort in the familiar which does not always translate to enduring happiness. It’s important to try to stay positive and optimistic and learn from experiences and mistakes. Limit the pressure you put on yourself.  This can be a wonderful time of self discovery.