In my work with couples and helping them build stronger relationships, I've noticed that partners often get stuck in repetitive argument and conflict patterns -- they visit and revisit the problem, over and over. It can be difficult, if not impossible to ever reach an agreement. What actually helps? Shift your focus back to the relationship and on experiencing fun and pleasure again. What does this look like in practice?
- Increase positive emotions individually and together
- Build and create shared values and meaning as a team
- Do nice things for your partner and and make deposits into the "love bank."
With more goodies on deposit, your foundation will be strong and you will both experience personal and relationship resilience. You might notice that the things you were so focused on resolving don't seem to matter as much. Sometimes it's more important to return to what's good in your relationship and leave the conflict behind. Not that issues should be swept under the rug, it's just gaining some perspective -- some things really don't matter so much. Pick and choose your battles. Learning to let some things go is a useful skill. Should you decide to resolve the problem, stick with your own experience and what you are feeling rather than blaming and shaming tactics -- that is, of course, if you want to be heard! To learn more about creating a better relationship, visit The Gottman Institute website for tips, goodies and therapist referrals.
Kim Seelbrede is a former Miss USA and a New York City psychotherapist, coach, consultant and EMDR therapist who specializes in a holistic approach to therapy and coaching, working with adults, adolescents and couples. Kimberly is trained to collaborate with you in developing the insight and coping skills to address many concerns including: relationships, anxiety, depression, panic disorder, self-esteem, self-harm, ADD, ADHD, social difficulties, adolescent challenges, family issues, underachievement, perfectionism, identity and sexuality concerns, addictions, compulsions, OCD, binge eating, PTSD, trauma, transitions, life purpose, spirituality, health concerns, weight management, stress management, performance problems, life balance, meditation and mindfulness support. Please email her to arrange a consultation in her Manhattan office or online via Skype.
Kim completed her graduate studies at New York University and has advanced post-graduate psychotherapy training and also holds an advanced certificate to practice EMDR therapy as well as specialized training in Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), DBT skills, Non-Violent Communication (NVC), and applies the work of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and her training with The Gottman Institute in her work with couples. She Is a registered yoga therapist (200 + 500 RYT) trained with the Urban Zen Foundation.
If you are a fan of social media find Kim Seelbrede on: Linkedin, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Google +, Wellness.com, Psychology Today, Network Therapy, Good Therapy, Therapy Tribe, Urban Zen Foundation Integrative Therapist, EMDR Therapist Network, nyintegrativetherapy.com and www.kimseelbrede.com