Coping With Relationship Heartbreak
Breakups are painful. Few of us escape heartbreak. The reasons for the relationship split seem to matter less than the fact that your world has changed and all kinds of uncomfortable feelings and emotions are being triggered. You can learn from this experience and come through it wiser and stronger, and hopefully, with a heart open enough to receive love and hope for the future. As a NYC psychotherapist in private practice, struggling after a break up is a common reason people seek counseling and therapy.
Even though the relationship no longer works, why do breakups hurt so much? When marriages or relationships end, it is not just about grieving the loss of the connection, but the end of shared hopes and dreams. Hope is an important aspect of early romantic relationships. Couples mourn the hope for the future as well as the commitment of shared goals and dreams.
Other important losses include one's identity, physical and sexual intimacy, shared hobbies and interests, relationships with friends and extended family, a physical move or the sale of a home, financial stability, individual and shared responsibilities, and if children are involved, a significant disruption in their lives.
Starting over can be scary. It is normal to wonder if you will ever find love or another partner again as well as other future uncertainties. Many feel that staying with what they know, even if it's an unhappy partnership, is better than being alone. It's important to remind yourself, that it is possible to move on to find happiness either alone or with someone else. Healing takes time and recovery requires patience and treating yourself with kindness and compassion.
How can you cope with a new divorce, breakup or separation, and how do you grieve?
You must care for your body, even when you don’t feel like it. You need to eat and nourish yourself, and you need to move your body. Walk, ride a bike, stretch. Trauma gets trapped in the body. Even better than talking is moving the trauma out of your body.
Understand that it's okay to feel a range of intense feelings and emotions, including: sadness, hopelessness, anger, resentment, exhaustion, confusion, anxiety, fear, relief, excitement and hope, as examples.
Allow yourself to identify and feel emotions (even if you have to excuse yourself from a gathering or event). These emotions won't last forever and feeling them actually helps you let go of the relationship and move on from your former partner. Ignoring and avoiding feelings will prolong the break-up healing process, and amplify your pain.
Allow yourself to really grieve and process the loss of the relationship. Crying helps release the pain and trauma from the body.
Give yourself permission to fall apart from time to time, and certainly excuse yourself on days when you're less than optimal. Some days, work may suffer and you may not have the energy to take care of your usual responsibilities, in other words, give in to the ups and downs.
Don't try to shoulder it all alone, reach out to friends and family for support. Knowing that others are available to you will help you feel less alone and heal the pain of the loss. Friends and supportive people in your life can also kick your butt when you need it.
Create new friendships, this is especially important if you've lost your old social network during the breakup. Take classes, get involved in your community, volunteer, join a gym or social network.
Join a support group if that's available to you
Journal about your feelings if that's a tool that works for you.
Try not to get stuck in negative emotions such as blame, anger, and resentment. Doing so takes up valuable energy and keeps you from moving forward with your life.
Get professional help from a therapist or a coach that specializes in helping the newly-single move on, especially if the letting go process is prolonged or you feel stuck. Learn the difference between a normal reaction to a breakup or the end of a relationship and depression.
Learn about and understand your patterns, and even your contribution to things falling apart, because we all have them. Understanding your complex dynamics and the unconscious patterns that arise for you will serve you well as you move into your next relationship
Remind yourself that you still have a future, and that if you allow yourself the gift of hope, new dreams will eventually replace the old ones.
Breakups and divorce are extremely stressful. You are physically and psychologically vulnerable to feeling unwell. Extreme self-care after the breakup is really important.
About Holistic Psychotherapy & Wellness Manhattan
Kimberly Seelbrede, LCSW is a New York State licensed Psychotherapist, EMDR Practitioner and Couple Therapist with a private practice in New York City, Montana and virtually. As a wellness psychotherapist and holistic consultant, she has receive advanced, extensive training in Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Somatic Experiencing (SE), and Nutrition & Integrative Medicine For Mental Health. She is passionate about honoring the exquisite interplay of the mind-body connection. Kimberly Seelbrede specializes in anxiety & mood disorders, trauma and women’s mental health. She brings over 20 years of counseling, coaching, and healing experience to her holistic practice and transformational work.
In addition to online therapy for anxiety, depression, trauma and relationship struggles, Holistic Psychotherapy & Wellness offers a wide variety of online services to fit the needs of busy professionals. New Yorkers often lead fast-paced and complex lives, which makes work-life balance and managing career, family and social obligations a challenge. Psychotherapy and wellness practices provides the support to help clients cultivate resources, resilience and enhanced emotional health, as well as uncover conflicts and obstacles that may interfere with having the life they desire.