Calm Discussions, Cool Heads
As a marriage and couple therapist, I work with people who struggle to communicate effectively. Couples or those working with others in partnerships or other kinds of relationship dyads often need skills and tips on how to enter a discussion, and the best strategies for keeping it calm, and ultimately successful. Beginning an important discussion can be fraught with conflict, apprehension and fear. What follows are some simple tips to keep the conversation constructive. While the goal might be to make a point, have your point taken seriously, right a wrong or solve a problem, many conversations devolve into screaming matches. What follows are some simple communication pointers to keep important discussions from spiraling out of control.
Enter the discussion from a place of good faith. Set some clear goals and intentions for what you would like to have happen. Avoid entering the discussion with assumptions about the intentions or attitudes of the other. Do not attempt to mind read. Ask if you need clarity about something.
If things heat up, take a break. It's can be helpful to ask: what's happening for me right now and what's happening for the other person? I'm feeling this right now, what's going on for you?
Notice the messages that your body may be conveying. Pay attention to your words, your tone and the volume. Continue to check-in making sure that the conversation is productive and staying on track.
Do not use the discussion as an opportunity to trot out old things to bolster your point or finally get justice about something that happened previously. Stay focused on the here and now. Issues from the past may be better saved for another time.
If you feel activated at some point during the discussion, it's better to identify this and say "I'm starting to get really angry" or "I'm shutting down now." "Can we finish this later." Don't walk away, storm out or turn your back on the other participant without letting them know what's going on for you.
Listen with care and attention when the other shares something, even if you don’t agree. Do not interrupt. Let the other finish their statement.
Make observations not judgments. "I've noticed that there's often a big mess on the table after the meeting" not "you always such a slob in the office"
Be present to what’s happening in the moment and avoid coming up with responses or thinking ahead when you should be listening.
Do not invalidate what the other might be feeling. ("Your life isn't that stressful compared to...") If you were raised in an invalidating environment, this may be a style that you've learned to repeat.
Use reflective listening and empathy with the other person. (It sounds like it upset you when...")
Be clear about your feelings and be assertive in your communication as you speak.
Never begin your sentence with "you." It immediately puts the other on the defense.
No name-calling or mud-slinging. Who can hear what's being said when they are being attacked? It immediately shuts down the conversation and the other becomes defensive.
Be respectful always. Even when you don't agree.
Aim for clear and consistent consequences for problem behaviors.
Choose neutral times and places for important discussions.
Avoid arguing when emotions are high and strong. It is best to cool off and save it for later when it is likely to be more productive.
Do not withhold love and affection because of a fight or because you're angry.
Brainstorm together for good solutions and collaboration.
Pick and choose your battles. Not everything needs to be discussed, analyzed and shared.
About Holistic Psychotherapy & Wellness Manhattan
Kimberly Seelbrede, LCSW is a New York State licensed Psychotherapist, EMDR Practitioner and Couple Therapist with a private practice in New York City, Montana and virtually. As a wellness psychotherapist and holistic consultant, she has receive advanced, extensive training in Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Somatic Experiencing (SE), and Nutrition & Integrative Medicine For Mental Health. She is passionate about honoring the exquisite interplay of the mind-body connection. Kimberly Seelbrede specializes in anxiety & mood disorders, trauma and women’s mental health. She brings over 20 years of counseling, coaching, and healing experience to her holistic practice and transformational work.
In addition to online therapy for anxiety, depression, trauma and relationship struggles, Holistic Psychotherapy & Wellness offers a wide variety of online services to fit the needs of busy professionals. New Yorkers often lead fast-paced and complex lives, which makes work-life balance and managing career, family and social obligations a challenge. Psychotherapy and wellness practices provides the support to help clients cultivate resources, resilience and enhanced emotional health, as well as uncover conflicts and obstacles that may interfere with having the life they desire.