When Tolerating Hurts: How Trauma Makes You Tolerate More Than You Should
What if the very thing that helped you survive could also be holding you back from thriving?
People who have experienced trauma often develop an extraordinary ability to tolerate discomfort—emotional, mental, and even physical. It’s a survival skill honed through hardship, allowing them to push through life’s toughest moments. But over time, this ability to endure can lead to tolerating more than they should—stress, toxic relationships, physical pain, and unhealed wounds—becoming stuck in a cycle that stifles growth and well-being.
Take Samantha, for example. After years of being in an emotionally abusive relationship, Samantha has become an expert at pushing through pain. Her partner’s constant belittling, manipulation, and emotional withdrawal have become so familiar that she’s convinced it’s just part of love. She tolerates the harsh words, the gaslighting, and the isolation because, for so long, she’s learned to survive it. In some ways, this situation feels similar to her family dynamics: an alcoholic father who was cruel when he drank, and a submissive mother who stayed despite her unhappiness. Samantha tells herself that if she can just be “better” or “more patient,” things will improve, even as she feels more lost and disconnected from herself each day.
Another example is Simon. Growing up, he was frequently sick, dealing with chronic health issues that often left him scared, isolated, and exhausted. As a child, he learned to push through the constant discomfort, trying to maintain some sense of normalcy despite his health challenges. Over the years, this coping mechanism became ingrained—he started tolerating pain, fatigue, and symptoms without seeking help, believing it was just part of life. Even now, as an adult, James will ignore persistent headaches or joint pain, waiting until he’s in unbearable discomfort before he finally goes to the doctor. He’s so used to suffering in silence that he sees it as normal, even when it’s affecting his quality of life.
Both Samantha and Simon have spent years accepting suffering as a normal part of their lives. Samantha has endured emotional abuse in her relationship, convincing herself that tolerating the hurt is just part of love. Similarly, Simon has lived with physical discomfort for so long that he ignores his body’s signals, believing suffering is something he simply has to bear. For both, enduring pain has become second nature, a survival tactic learned in response to their pasts. But the truth is, they deserve more than just surviving—they deserve to thrive. By recognizing the patterns of suffering they’ve accepted and seeking the help they need, both Samantha and Simon can begin to break free from their past survival mechanisms. Trauma resolution therapy provides an opportunity for healing, allowing individuals to reclaim their well-being and learn to live fully rather than merely enduring life.
For many, this pattern becomes so ingrained that it feels normal. You’ve learned to survive, to endure, to push past pain, but it can sometimes mean putting your own needs, emotions, and boundaries on the back burner. You may find yourself accepting toxic relationships, ignoring red flags, or avoiding the very self-care that could help you heal. While these coping mechanisms were once crucial for survival, they can prevent you from fully living the life you deserve. The truth is, it’s possible to break free from this pattern. Recognizing that you no longer need to carry the weight of past trauma in silence is the first step toward healing. Therapy offers a safe space to rebuild, reconnect, and rediscover the parts of yourself that were once hidden beneath the weight of survival. Through skilled guidance, you can start to learn how to thrive—not just survive.
Window of tolerance
The ability to tolerate pain and discomfort can be understood through the concept of the Window of Tolerance, a term introduced by Dr. Dan Siegel. The Window of Tolerance refers to the zone in which an individual can process and respond to stress and emotions effectively, without becoming overwhelmed (hyperaroused) or shutting down (hypoaroused). When people experience trauma, they can become either hyperaroused (anxiety, agitation, panic) or hypoaroused (numbness, disassociation, withdrawal), often staying outside their window of tolerance in a chronic state of heightened or diminished emotional functioning.
For Samantha and Simon, both have been living outside their window of tolerance for an extended period—Sarah in a state of emotional overwhelm due to the abuse she endured, and James in a state of physical numbness and avoidance due to chronic illness and years of discomfort. Both are stuck in patterns where they are either enduring too much (hyperarousal) or disconnecting from their pain (hypoarousal), which prevents them from taking effective action and healing.
For Samantha and Simon, both have been living outside their window of tolerance for an extended period—Samantha caught in a constant state of emotional overwhelm from the abuse she endured, and Simon trapped in physical numbness and avoidance due to chronic illness and years of persistent discomfort. Both find themselves stuck in patterns where they are either overwhelmed by too much (hyperarousal) or emotionally detached from their pain (hypoarousal), preventing them from taking meaningful action or fully healing.
How can trauma resolution therapy improve their lives?
Here are some ways people can begin to change in order to heal and break free from patterns of enduring unnecessary pain:
Identify and Set Healthy Boundaries - Recognize situations where your limits are being pushed and learn how to assertively set boundaries that protect your well-being.
Recognize and Challenge Self-Sabotaging Beliefs - Identify negative thought patterns that cause you to tolerate unhealthy situations, and replace them with empowering beliefs that prioritize self-respect.
Practice Self-Care Consistently - Make self-care a priority rather than something you only turn to when you’re overwhelmed. Regularly engage in activities that nurture your body, mind, and soul.
Develop Emotional Awareness - Tune into your feelings and physical sensations to understand when you're moving outside your Window of Tolerance, allowing you to respond appropriately rather than react impulsively.
Connect to Your Somatic Response - Pay attention to your body’s signals—tension, discomfort, or fatigue—and use them as clues to understand your emotional state. This awareness can help you recognize when you need to take a step back, rest, or ask for help.
Learn to Ask for Help - Acknowledge when you need support, and don't hesitate to seek guidance from a therapist, medical professional, or trusted loved one.
Create a Supportive Network - Surround yourself with people who uplift and encourage you, while distancing from those who drain or undermine your energy.
Let Go of Guilt Around Prioritizing Yourself - Recognize that taking care of your needs is not selfish but necessary for your health and growth.
Set Realistic Expectations - Acknowledge that healing is a process, and allow yourself to progress at your own pace without unrealistic pressure.
Practice Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques - Incorporate mindfulness exercises and grounding techniques to stay present, manage overwhelming emotions, and stay connected to your body during moments of stress.
For both Sarah and James, trauma-informed therapy would be incredibly helpful in addressing the deep-rooted patterns of suffering they’ve learned to tolerate. This type of therapy acknowledges the impact of past trauma and helps individuals process and heal from emotional and physical pain in a safe and supportive environment.
Helpful types of therapy to help people with high-tolerance for suffering:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) - This therapy can help Sarah and James identify and challenge the distorted thoughts and beliefs that keep them stuck in patterns of enduring pain. For Sarah, CBT could help her recognize unhealthy relationship dynamics and rebuild her sense of self-worth, while for James, it could teach him how to manage his health more proactively and stop minimizing symptoms.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) - This therapeutic approach is particularly effective for processing trauma. It can help Sarah reframe her experiences in the emotionally abusive relationship, allowing her to heal from past wounds and build healthier relationship patterns. For James, EMDR could assist in processing childhood trauma related to chronic illness and help him shift his perception of pain and his ability to seek help sooner.
Somatic Therapy - This type of therapy focuses on the connection between the mind and body, and could be especially beneficial for James. It would help him tune in to his physical sensations, teaching him to notice early warning signs of distress in his body and addressing the emotional triggers that prevent him from seeking medical help sooner. For Sarah, somatic therapy would help her reconnect with her body, helping her to release stored trauma and learn to trust herself again.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) - If either Sarah or James struggles with emotional regulation or managing intense feelings, DBT could provide tools to help them accept the discomfort they experience without resorting to harmful coping mechanisms. It emphasizes mindfulness and balancing acceptance with change, which could be key in breaking the pattern of enduring unnecessary suffering.
Lana hasn’t slept in 10 years. She has endured the draining effects of menopause—hot flashes, night sweats, and relentless insomnia. Every morning, her family asks her how she slept. She had become so accustomed to sleepless nights and waking up exhausted every morning that it felt like a permanent part of her life. She tolerated the fatigue, irritability, and brain fog, believing it was something she simply had to accept. But when Laura finally sought therapy, she realized that the ongoing sleep deprivation and physical discomfort were far more than just menopause symptoms—they were signs that her body had been stuck outside its window of tolerance for too long. Through therapy, she explored her emotional and physical struggles as well as her resistance to asking for help. Therapy helped her identify when her body needed support. Encouraged to seek medical help, Laura was prescribed hormone replacement therapy and sleeping pills for the now occasional night of sleeplessness, which gave her the relief she so desperately needed. For the first time in years, she found herself sleeping through the night, waking up refreshed, and reconnecting with her energy and sense of well-being. Therapy not only helped her recognize that she deserved better but also guided her toward the treatment and resources she needed to heal.
Improve Your Relationship With Holistic Psychotherapy, EMDR & Wellness Manhattan
Kimberly Seelbrede, LCSW is an experienced New York State licensed Psychotherapist, EMDR Practitioner, and Couple Therapist with a private practice in New York City, Montana, and virtually. As a psychotherapist and holistic wellness consultant, she has received advanced, extensive training and offers a range of therapeutic modalities, including trauma therapy, Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Somatic Experiencing (SE), Yoga Therapy and Nutrition & Integrative Medicine For Mental Health. She is passionate about honoring the exquisite interplay of the mind-body connection. Kim Seelbrede has a niche practice specializing in helping dynamic, high-achieving women improve their mental health with mentoring & coaching.
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