Tame Your Harsh Inner Critic With Curiosity, Compassion, IFS & EMDR Therapy
do you have a harsh inner critic that sabotages your life?
You don’t have to be a trauma survivor to have a harsh inner critic. The self-critical inner voice is persistent and continues to negatively judge and even sabotage our dreams and aspirations. In fact, mental health challenges such as depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, relationship problems, self-sabotage can be rooted in this unhealthy self-dynamic. As anyone tormented by an unkind inner-critic knows, the near-constant flood of negative feelings and emotions linked to the inner critic can also be a great source of stress and self-sabotage.
The truth is, we all have different “parts” that make up our personality, and in ego psychology, we call these sub-personalities. These parts are part of an internal system, kind of like a family that lives within. Sounds extreme, and yet we are not talking about having multiple personalities in the same way someone with a diagnosis of a personality disorder or DID exhibits unintegrated parts (although that is considered the extreme presentation of the same continuum). Have you ever caught yourself saying, “well, part of me wants to do it, and another part says no.” How common is this? A part of you that seeks adventure leans in to the prospect, while a more cautious, protector part steps on the brake. Therapists and coaches have many ways of working with the inner critic, but what I’ve found to be most effective is EMDR Therapy (to process any trauma and negative self-concept), and IFS or Internal Family Systems, developed by Dick Schwartz, PhD. (learn more about Internal Family Systems)
According to the IFS Institute, the idea of parts and Internal Family Systems is this:
“Internal Family Systems is a powerfully transformative, evidence-based model of psychotherapy. We believe the mind is naturally multiple and that is a good thing. Our inner parts contain valuable qualities and our core Self knows how to heal, allowing us to become integrated and whole. In IFS all parts are welcome.”
The coaching field is full of coaches who utilize parts work with their clients—they just don’t give proper credit to IFS. As a New York City based Psychotherapist, I work with many women who struggle with punishing self-criticism. So much so that they report feeling completely paralyzed and stalled when it comes turning their dreams into reality.
You would think that the kind of therapy that explores the root cause of this problem, that is, techniques that explore the developmental/childhood etiology would help women overcome this challenge. Unfortunately most therapeutic approaches are very limited, mostly because self-awareness and education is not enough to overcome this complex confidence issue. It holds women back and keeps them from enjoying the fullest expression of their hopes, dreams and desires.
The inner critic paralyzes you because it says really mean things, like:
This will probably fail too
This has been done before
You don’t have enough to offer
You don’t deserve this
You’re ugly
You’re an imposter
Nobody really likes you
You will look like the fool that you are
Unfortunately, this is just a small sample of how the ever-vigilant, always scanning inner critic berates us. The inner critic is hypervigilant, anxiously scanning the environment for potential threats. It is actually a survival mechanism developed long ago to keep you safe from rejection and criticism, which amounts to a kind of self-annihilation. Long ago, we learned to shame ourselves before another had the chance to take us down.
How and when does the inner critic show up?
The inner critic part shows up all too frequently for people and it also has little to do with actual accomplishment. It does show up around professional experiences and creative endeavors. It steps in to slow you down just as you’re getting ready to create something, launch a new book, make a major change. It also shows up in motherhood and relationships, as well as body image and physical appearance. You may notice it when you get a glance of yourself in the mirror. It’s the nagging “I’m never enough” or “I don’t deserve it” that we use as an EMDR target during processing sessions. The point is, none of us are immune to the inner critic, and especially the impact hat this self-doubt terrorizer has on our lives. And whether it’s background noise or it’s fiercely loud, it does need to be managed and quieted. Who suffers with a harsh inner critic? Just about everyone. Even the seemingly self-confident women suffers, often in silence, with this negative persistent inner dialogue.
What is the function of the inner critic?
Your inner critic is actually an expression of a well-developed part of you that wants to keep you safe from emotional harm! It’s a survival skill learned long ago. IFS therapy reveals that this part, the inner critic, is an expression of your safety instinct, developed long ago, with the intent of managing and protecting you from potential harm. It isn’t enough for the part to just say “don’t do it,” it goes next level to be even more convincing, “you don’t have the talent,” “too many books already written on this topic,” or “you’re too old to start a business.” The closer you get towards reaching your dream for your work, creativity or life, the louder and more persistent this part becomes. You can even imagine this managing/protecting part as a guard. The guard seems to interfere whenever you make some progress or get closer to achieving your dream. It’s like “here I am, stepping in once again to make sure you don’t suffer humiliation or rejection, it’s my job!”
therapy and coaching tools to help you tame your inner critic…
Because the inner critic has developed over time and is internalized, it will take some work to heal from this well-developed part. In early therapy sessions, I regularly ask my patients “Whose voice is this?” or “Who said this to you?” They find this helpful, but it is not enough to just understand a source. So let’s develop some tools to actually work with your inner critic as it arises in your daily life. As you do this work it’s important to know that that the inner critic does not go away completely. It’s always there. It tends to become even louder the closer you get to a launch or dream. The goal is to work with it more skillfully and lessen the impact that your inner critic has on your life.
IDENTIFY IT — Consciously get to know the voice of your inner critic. Notice that it’s showing up first. Then begin to notice when it shows up. Acknowledging your inner critic’s voice is often enough to break the spell. Why is the act of identifying and naming the self-critic such an important part of breaking free? It’s a pretty simple strategy actually. Identifying the voice of your inner critic gives you distance from this part of you. This distancing tactic allows you to know that the critical voice is not you! It may be the voice of a parent as mentioned earlier. You are simply the experiencer, the person who is now aware of this inner voice. It’s okay to be curious about it, confused by it or something else. When the critic shows up, you can say, “hello inner critic, there you are again, I hear you, but I’m going to continue on with my pursuits.” Or, instead of saying, “I’m going to fail” notice how you can replace it with “there you are again telling me that it’s going to end in disaster.” Now that you know how distancing works, you can have a different relationship with this part of you because it is not your core self. Your healed self holds your dreams and desires, your wisdom and knowledge about who you truly are.
LOCATE IT —Internal Family Systems (IFS) would have us “find” the part in the body. Where does it live? Focusing on the body takes you to an internal place, where perhaps you will be reminded of another time. As you quietly focus on the part, you may learn more about it. What does it look like? How old does it feel? Does it sound familiar? It may sound like a person from your past, a parent perhaps? Maybe it sounds like someone currently in your life? As you continue to focus your attention inward, imagine the part by getting a mental image of something, a memory of when the part was really active, or a body sensation related to the part. You may notice body sensations such as tension, contracted posture or stomach discomfort. This is not easy for most, but when practiced with patience, curiosity and awe, you will experience the reward of healing your nervous system.
Psychologist John Rowan has written extensively about sub personalities or parts, and offers helpful questions in your efforts to give these parts texture: What do you look like? How old are you? What circumstances bring you out? What’s your motive? Hopefully this helps.
JOURNAL IT — In an effort to get out of your head, it can be helpful to write it down in a journal. Your reflections can include the following:
—What does the critic say? What does the critic believe about your core self?
—Which types of inner critics do you identify as parts of yourself?
—Does this critic remind you of someone, a historical figure from your past? A sibling, parent, teacher, or ideas and beliefs imposed by community, culture or society?
—Can you describe the inner critic? Many would say that their inner critic has attributes, such as: depressed, despairing, overly-anxious. Feel free to use as many adjectives to give this inner critic texture.
—What are you afraid might happen if you stop being hard on me?—When you say critical things to me, how are you trying to help?
—Can you understand and appreciate them for how they have tried to protect you?
—Are you ready to work with them and allow them to relax?
NAME IT — You can try this also. Your inner critic likely is imbued with characteristics, there are many, but here are a few examples that many therapists who write on the subject have identified:
—Perfectionist (sets impossible, unsustainable standards for you)
—Catastrophizer (creates a feeling of doom and that everything ends in disaster)
—Destroyer (an earlier part that is shaming and tells you that you are worthless)
—Controller (attempts to control your impulses by insisting that you have no will power)
—Task master (tells you that you’re lazy, pushing you but often leads to rebellion)
—Underminer (protects you from failure by keeping you stalled, paralyzed)
—Guilt-tripper (blames you for taking a particular action)
—Conformist (keeps you safe by trying to get you to “fit in” to avoid social rejection)
This is likely not a complete list, but it’s a place to begin. You can create your own as you reflect in your journal. For more texture, you can take it to the next level. Give these inner critics names, such as animals or characters from movies or books. Get creative, even humorous, in other words. Really see them. Once again, this creates distance and removes the power these forces seem to have over us.
Some may remember a series of children’s books by British author Roger Hargreaves in the 1970s. The series features characters with names such as Mr Tickle, Mr Happy, Mr Forgetful, Mr Daydream, Mr Uppity, Mr Silly, Mr Messy, Mr Funny, Mr Mean, Mt Chatterbox, Mr Nosey, Mr Greedy, Mr Impossible, Mr Strong, Mr Lazy, Mr Cheerful etc, all clearly developed sub personalities based on their unique characteristics.
BANISH IT — A helpful imaginal tool that we often use in EMDR therapy for negative self-concept is to imagine removing the inner critic and sending it elsewhere. An example would be to send your “perfectionist” into another room and have her work on a project where she contained. Send your inner critic on a hike, give it a task to complete, wrap it in a blanket to keep it calm and comfortable. You could send these challenging parts to just about anywhere. The idea is separation and containment.
CARE FOR IT — You can respond to your inner critic by writing down a more realistic and compassionate evaluation of your true self. Many coaches speak harshly to the inner critic because they do not understand the needs and dynamics of these sub-personalities. Harsh already rarely heals with more harshness. I have witnessed coaches calling them “brat” or “chicken” This is not a useful tactic and usually backfires. Parts get louder when attacked. What is helpful is to offer compassion and understanding to these troublesome parts, that while problematic, Mostly, they are trying to keep you safe and protect you from humiliation, pain and suffering. What does this practice of compassion look like? When the inner critic shows up, simply acknowledge its presence and thank it for doing its job. You can say “thank you for trying to protect me, and I know you’re worried I’ll make a mistake, but I’m okay an I don’t need you right now.” If helpful, you can offer your inner critic an imaginal, symbolic gift, make a deal with it, or write it a compassionate note. You can be as creative as you’d like. This is your healing journey!
HUMOR IT - As mentioned earlier, humor can be incredibly helpful. When your inner critic persists—and they can be quite loud and insistent—have a laugh. Your wise self might even notice the nuttiness of it all. Lighten up and find the humor as you return to your task of creating your dream, growing your life.
REALITY CHECK IT - In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy we may ask you to challenge the accuracy of a thought. You can also ask your noisy inner critic questions. “Is this true and accurate?” “Do have evidence to support that I’ll fail?” Begin a practice of noticing how the inner critic message feels in the body. Does it feel true? Another therapy strategy is a solution-focused question. How would my life improve if my inner critic could take a back seat?
There are many ways to heal the self. I find that EMDR therapy when blended with IFS can lead to a supercharged therapy experience, it’s like therapy on steroids, if you will. It is often faster and more efficient than spending years in traditional talk therapy. I have personally witnessed how IFS as a therapeutic approach encourages us to get to know our critical parts with compassion, intuition and skill. This transformative journey paves the way for a profound healing shift, leading us to cultivate internal relationships with our parts rooted in collaboration, harmony and deep understanding.
About Holistic Psychotherapy & Wellness Manhattan
Kimberly Seelbrede, LCSW is a New York State licensed Psychotherapist, EMDR Practitioner and Couple Therapist with a private practice in New York City, Montana and virtually. As a wellness psychotherapist and holistic consultant, she has receive advanced, extensive training in Trauma Therapy, Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Somatic Experiencing (SE), and Nutrition & Integrative Medicine For Mental Health. She is passionate about honoring the exquisite interplay of the mind-body connection. Kimberly Seelbrede specializes in anxiety & mood disorders, trauma and women’s mental health. She brings over 20 years of counseling, coaching, and healing experience to her holistic practice and transformational work.
In addition to online therapy for anxiety, depression, trauma and relationship struggles, Holistic Psychotherapy & Wellness offers a wide variety of online services to fit the needs of busy professionals. New Yorkers often lead fast-paced and complex lives, which makes work-life balance and managing career, family and social obligations a challenge. Psychotherapy and wellness practices provides the support to help clients cultivate resources, resilience and enhanced emotional health, as well as uncover conflicts and obstacles that may interfere with having the life they desire.